i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
