Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
