One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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