Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
