well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
