Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
