Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
