I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i love accidental penises.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Girls should come with a carfax report
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
