She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
