Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
