i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
