I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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