Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
