I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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