I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
