She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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