If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
