Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
