i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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