I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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