Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
