Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
