Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
