Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
