I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
