we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
