I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
