What did we do last night that was yellow?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
