I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
