There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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