OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
