they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Will exercising make me less horny?
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