I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
