u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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