I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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