Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
