I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
