i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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