Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my being single is dangerous.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
