Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
