Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
