Banned from zoo.
Again?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
