my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
