I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
