Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
