I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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