Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
