I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
