I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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