i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
